The Jobey on...

My personal blog. This is where I unwind and just talk about random things I want to talk about...basically, it's here to clog the blogosphere with useless information...

Saturday, April 01, 2006

"Ballad of Big Nothing" by Elliott Smith

I wrote a post with that title earlier in the week, but I erased it because of content I regretted having written. This time I'm writing this post. This time I won't write anything I regret. This time it'll be truthful.

Somewhere about Monday afternoon I was feeling about as confident as I ever have in my life. About everything. I was pretty happy with myself, the fact I was rapidly getting my academics back on track, and just a lot of things.

However, as the week progressed, the bottom fell out on all those good feelings and I realized things aren't that great and that maybe they are worse than that.

So, right now, I'm sitting around my apartment, alone. It's quiet because side one of Either/Or just ended and I haven't gotten up to turn it over yet. And I'm thinking. I'm thinking about how happy I should be tonight. We won a lacrosse game. A good friend of mine is in town. I had a chance to talk to Wayne by chance. Red Dirt's going to be practically giving away drinks tonight. Tonight the sky could be the limit for me.

But for some reason I feel completely deflated. I don't feel up to doing any of it. It might be because of that phone call I got when my mom and I got back from our day out in Norman. I know that has something to do with it. Even though there's not much I can do about that situation. I feel bad about bailing on friends, but I'm just not strong enough to deal with that situation tonight.

I tried to handle that call as delicately as I could, knowing how sensitive the situation is for my friend. I still felt guilty. I still feel guilty. And that fact that my mom half-way lectured me after the conversation didn't help me feel any better. She said I should have thanked him for calling and asking about the game, but I had enough reciprocity to ask about how his event this afternoon went. So I feel like I'm fine there...

Ah, that's better. Side two. "Rose Parade."

"And when they clean the streets, I'll be the only shit that's left behind."

As good as I have it in my life, it just makes me as a person feel more like shit. Maybe I've just built an impossible image of myself that makes the real me feel more and more like shit myself as I continually perpetuate the image and compare myself to it. I don't know.

All I know is that between the guilt, regret, fear, loathing, depression, confusion, feelings of utter worthlessness, all I want to do is something that I've promised myself I wouldn't do for awhile and that worries me even more. Maybe I should just hide out tonight, shut off my phone, try to finish Lullaby...but, since I probably won't, I just hope I don't regret it.

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