"Here Comes Success" by Iggy Pop

I can't wait for summer. Geez. This has been a long semester. It's been strange. It was all inevitable, though, I guess. Cosmic fucking music, right, A. Casey?

But soon enough, I'll be at home for the summer. Time to make some jack, refill the coffers for my senior year. It should be a decent summer. I won't make the same mistake I made last year and go into summer with high expectations. This summer, all I want it to get a job I can tolerate for a few months, have fun at every opportunity I find, and, as always, keep it real.

On to the issues...

...on fuel
Damn, gas is expensive. Barrels of crude broke $75 the other day. What the fuck is going on? Someone who knows about oil production, corporate politics and/or greed, explain this before I start chokin' motha fuckas. $2.75 a gallon is ridiculous. Remember the prices you're paying for gas this summer when midterm elections come up in November. Remember who was giving big oil tax breaks and vote accordingly. Oil is going to be the issue this fall. Which is sad because we still have a pair of wars going on and kids getting sent home in flag-draped coffins everyday, coffins which the press is banned from showing, but that's yet another issue...

...on the Duke Lacrosse scandal
I just want justice. That means if the players are guilty, send them to prison. If they are innocent, release them and let thm sue the D.A., which I'm sure their parents will do considering the background the players come from. This entire case is a huge soap opera. My favorite sub plots:

• Rev. Jesse Jackson offers to pay for the victim's college education. When ask if he would make good on the offer even if her charges are proven false, he said he would. Wow. Does he just not realize that if she is found to be lying and he still pays her college bill, it will only make other girls think to themselves, 'Hey, if I say this happened, even if it didn't, I'll get paid.' Making the public even less likely to trust victims of rape.
• The D.A.'s up-coming re-election. This case is all over the place right now and along with it Mike Nifong's name. Pursuing this case is good publicity for him. Whether he's basing his indictments on his actual feelings about the case or about keeping this in the news is open for discussion after no DNA evidence was found from the victim.

Although I am a lacrosse player (well, kinda), I'm not taking sides on this issue. I'm not going to stand behind some guys and later find out they are guilty of something so heinous. I will also not stand behind the victim and later find out she was lying. I'll let the due process of law take its course and await the outcome, like we should all do if our nation still stands on its founding principles. Okay, now everyone knows where I stand on that.

Well, shit. I'm gonna go enjoy this beautiful day. Y'all go do the same.

The Jobey Poll
Watch this. Tell me what you think.

"Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple

This is going to be a numbered post, because I can't think of decent segues right now.

1) I'm not going to lie: I like the shit out of beer. I drank my half gallon of Red Brick Ale from the Brewery last night. That is some good beer. Currently my favorite. Actually, it's been my favorite for quite awhile, so I guess that really says something for this beer. It's pricey, but it's worth it. If I go home this weekend, I will fill the jug on the way...and not with urine.

2) Check out the items I purchases at the supermarket last night:

• Best Choice Hot Dog Buns: $0.93
• Farmland Franks: $0.98
  
• Shasta Cola: $0.88

Fill in your own punchline.

3) I'm reading Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk right now. It's not bad. I just wish it would get to the point sometimes. His minimalist style is kind of wearing on me since I'm over half way through the book and I'm still not sure what exactly is going on. That does make me want to keep reading though.

Well, that's all I got for ya, so here's a random rap quote and I'm done:

"When I hit the club, all the gulz show me love. Buyin' out the bar got drank by the jug."
Slim Thug

Alright, I'm off to fix a hearty late breakfast.

"Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead

That's right. Fake. Plastic. That's all I surround myself with apparently. Nothing real. And what is real, I can't deal with, so I push it away.

My night just continued to go downhill after I posted that "Ballad of Big Nothing" post last night. After consuming a few adult beverages, I decided that the only way to ensure I wouldn't have anymore nights ruined by calls from certain people would be to have a conversation with someone I should have had a long time ago. And it fucking sucked. For one thing, I haven't spoken to her in over a month and realized how fucking much I miss talking to her just from hearing her voice. For another, the subject matter is going to make me out to be a big asshole. Not to say that I'm not, but I'm sure this conversation will be discussed with mutual friends who will judge me based on it. It's not for me to say whether that's fair or not. Anyway, I really could have used someone to talk to last night...which offers a great seg-way, as it happens, seeing as someone I've considered my best friend for a good portion of my life just so happened to be in Norman last night and was doing a great job of blowing me off completely. And I couldn't get in touch with anyone else to talk to me, partly because my phone was dead, partly because my other confidants were sleeping or busy.

I did talk to one person for a considerable amount of time after that first significant call of the night (the one that made me feel guilty), and I truly appreciate the fact that he allowed me to talk his bloody ear off with my rapid fire explanation of the excruciatingly confusing night I had stumbled upon. I don't know if you still read this, but, Thanks a lot, bro. I know you weren't expecting me to drop all that shit on you last night, especially since we haven't talked a lot in a while, so I really appreciate you lending me your ear. Holla at me when you come to Norman...I mean, if you feel like it, I know some folks don't like to bother, so I won't cramp your style or anything if you're not into that.

So, I guess I'm back to the Fake Plastic Trees thing. I'm pushing away some people who aren't fake and trying to embrace some who are. For clarification, I'm trying to be vain and I'm trying my best not to take my real friends for granted, mom. There just comes a point where I've got to look out for myself and turn certain people away. Shit. That sounds terrible...

Ok. I just remember why I got into such a funk last night. It was because of the poetic justice I felt was being done on me by the world by having certain people bail on me and then turn around and do the same thing in a different way to someone else. Somehow, purposefully or inadvertently (Jesus Christ, I hope it's the latter. Not like it matters except for my ego at this point any-damn-way), I was cast as the odd man out in a play I'd just written for another person. Well, needless to say, a night of drinking and deep introspective nightmares proceeded.

So, in conclusion...well, shit, I don't really have one. I guess all I've got left to say is that I don't want this shit to affect me anymore, so I'll try to get back to the basics: Going to class, playing lacrosse, playing disc golf, eating well, drinking better, paying homage to Bacchus. Basically, find and suckle that sweet teet of Fun until that bitch runs dry.

Middle finger to the haters.

And, I'm spent.

"Ballad of Big Nothing" by Elliott Smith

I wrote a post with that title earlier in the week, but I erased it because of content I regretted having written. This time I'm writing this post. This time I won't write anything I regret. This time it'll be truthful.

Somewhere about Monday afternoon I was feeling about as confident as I ever have in my life. About everything. I was pretty happy with myself, the fact I was rapidly getting my academics back on track, and just a lot of things.

However, as the week progressed, the bottom fell out on all those good feelings and I realized things aren't that great and that maybe they are worse than that.

So, right now, I'm sitting around my apartment, alone. It's quiet because side one of Either/Or just ended and I haven't gotten up to turn it over yet. And I'm thinking. I'm thinking about how happy I should be tonight. We won a lacrosse game. A good friend of mine is in town. I had a chance to talk to Wayne by chance. Red Dirt's going to be practically giving away drinks tonight. Tonight the sky could be the limit for me.

But for some reason I feel completely deflated. I don't feel up to doing any of it. It might be because of that phone call I got when my mom and I got back from our day out in Norman. I know that has something to do with it. Even though there's not much I can do about that situation. I feel bad about bailing on friends, but I'm just not strong enough to deal with that situation tonight.

I tried to handle that call as delicately as I could, knowing how sensitive the situation is for my friend. I still felt guilty. I still feel guilty. And that fact that my mom half-way lectured me after the conversation didn't help me feel any better. She said I should have thanked him for calling and asking about the game, but I had enough reciprocity to ask about how his event this afternoon went. So I feel like I'm fine there...

Ah, that's better. Side two. "Rose Parade."

"And when they clean the streets, I'll be the only shit that's left behind."

As good as I have it in my life, it just makes me as a person feel more like shit. Maybe I've just built an impossible image of myself that makes the real me feel more and more like shit myself as I continually perpetuate the image and compare myself to it. I don't know.

All I know is that between the guilt, regret, fear, loathing, depression, confusion, feelings of utter worthlessness, all I want to do is something that I've promised myself I wouldn't do for awhile and that worries me even more. Maybe I should just hide out tonight, shut off my phone, try to finish Lullaby...but, since I probably won't, I just hope I don't regret it.