"The Good Times Are Killing Me" by Modest Mouse

I decided earlier today that my mama's right; I am depressed, probably clinically. I also decided that with all the shit I'm putting up with in my life, it's a bad time to be depressed. So I'm going to get an actual shrink and, if necessary, drugs. I'm not looking forward to the latter, but, at this point, whatever I need, right?

In other news, the basketball game on senior night was amazing. The seniors, playing their last game at the LNC no less, won the game for the team. 67-66. It was great.

In other, less timely news, the OU lacrosse team won their first game of the season 9-1 over Stephen F. Austin. That was a great game to be a part of. Especially after all the hard work we've all put into this season and starting off 0-4. Getting our first win in front of the home crowd was great.

Other than that, I've mainly been depressed, angry, annoyed, anxious, scared, and useless. And all that worries me, so I'm going to do something about it.

The Jobey Poll
What are you doing over spring break?

"Like a Friend" by Pulp

I really wish I had used this song for my music video now. It'd be better than "The Broken Heart" by the Mooney Suzuki, even though I love that song and think I could make an alright video for it in class. I might e-mail the T.A. about that.

My life's returning to normalacy it seems. I hope this keeps up for at least a couple of weeks. I think I'm over that one thing. Sunday night ended it for me. That's fine by me, kinda. By kinda, I mean it's tough to let go of it, but I've realized it's something I was going to have to let go ex die uno.

I'm afraid now that it took up such a portion of my life that I'm trying to fill the void with what some have termed self-destructive behavior. I'm going to cut back on that, I think.

Seriously, though, what did she expect to accomplish with a call like that? I mean I realize there was one question in that that I needed to answer, but beyond that, what? Shit, I'm pretty sure I'm through it, but calls like that are making it harder. And for someone not wanting to make it harder, she sure seems oblivious to how bad a call like that can make it.

I don't agree that we need ground rules. I think that after the two-week hiatus, we should just let it work itself out.

On to other business...

I feel like I did when I was in high school. I don't want to do homework. I'm having trouble concentrating in class. I think it's just burn out. One of my professors said it was junior burn out, that point where you've gone to college so long, but the end still seems a long way off. That might be it.

I'm starting to worry that this semester is a wash already. I mean all the signs point toward disaster. It's almost spring break already and there's only going to be more shit coming at me. Maybe I should bring this stuff up on Friday instead of that other bullshit. I probably will discuss that a little bit, to see if it's progressing correctly. But no more than that.

Shit. Why does it seem like my life's going to hell when it's not?

The Jobey Poll
When are those guys going to get here to fix my heat? They said by 10:30 it'd be done.

"Balance Beam" by Blue October

I've got to listen to that like a million times for Madison's music video. It's a pretty good song, though. So, there.

Anywho, I just decided that it was about time I take on a very serious issue. I've recently noticed just how many damned people are writing blogs of some sort. A couple of people have told me that they use it to "vent." I understand that. Hell, I've done my fair share of venting on this site.

However, I've always done my venting without a lot of specifics. And tonight I was reminded of why not to say very specific things on a public forum like a blog.

All that being said, I'm really having to restrain myself from throwing a lot of very specific thoughts I have on certain people. I'm pretty much half-way pissed off. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the arrogance that phone call displayed to me.

Yeah, that's probably it.

Arrogance. Nay, arrogance dressed in friendly, caring clothing. "I'm just worried" covers nicely for "I want to eat your soul." I can't hear it in the voice, but I see it in the actions. And it makes me pissed off.

Maybe it's just time I found my own "Penis Showing Game." Something wonderful to take my mind off all this bullshit. That doesn't involve drugs or alcohol. That'd be great.

The Jobey Poll
How do you feel about frontal male nudity?

"Barely Legal" by the Strokes/"Twilight" by Elliott Smith

So, I'm in the middle of my space-wanting phase. Some people think that going through with that phase will bite me in the ass later (read: think I'm an idiot). Some people think it's a good idea (read: I'm dealing with some real freaks). Some people think I stepped in a pile of shit and I just can't get it off my shoe.

The problem becomes that I know what all these people think, but I don't know what I think yet.

Happy Valentine's Day, by the way. My plan to get drunk all day were quashed by that goddamned Film Noir take-home test. Mother fuck that test. I guess that was a blessing in disguise, as those pseudo-religious types around me might say.

I really hate this holiday and this year I feel even worse about it. It's probably because of something I said that Saturday morning. Yeah. That's part of it. Pipe dreams. Fuck.

The problem now is that I've been having memories from that day and the day before. And they are making me depressed. I mean, I'll be sitting in class and something will pop into my head and it's like I got punched in the gut. I don't know what it means.

"California waitin'
Everything has gotta be just right
Say
While you're tryin' to save me
Can I get back my lonely life?"

I've been lonely before and I'll be lonely again. I feel a little lonely now, but it's different. I didn't feel so empty inside when I was lonely before. I want my self-fulfillment back. It's coming back, which is good, but those moments when random memories wash up suck.

Anyway, I was just having a night cap and decided to bitch for a while on this fine, lovely, dandy Valentine's Day.

The Jobey Poll
If you're single, how was your day? If you're not, shut the fuck up.

"This is the Sea" by the Waterboys

"That was the river, this is the sea."

And I'm drowning.

So, this morning I was trying to just chill around my apartment and not think too much about last night, the drinking, the vomiting. I watched 'Riding Giants' again. Awesome movie. I wish I could surf like that. Hell, I wish I could surf period. That brings me to another topic. This morning has made me really take note of my shortcomings. It's making me depressed.

I'm going through strange times. I've said that before, not too long ago. Maybe I never stopped going through the strange times. Like I've been going through them all along and things just seem different. Alcohol does have a part to play in all this, as much as I hate to admit it. If it weren't for alcohol, none of this round of strange times would have happened.

These strange times were different than the last few. This was actually a lot of fun for a while. I can't say if I regret all this yet. I've thought about it a lot as I'm sure other people have as well. Where would I be today if I skipped Madison's birthday and played caps with the team? Would I still be questioning my existence this morning, hung over and lazy? How fun would it have been to get wasted in Stillwater for my birthday? How great would I look in one of those Kelvin Sampson T-shirts from the Tech game?

If I knew the answers to these questions, I probably wouldn't be asking myself a lot of other questions right now, honestly. The What-If's, the Why's. The Why's are really bothering me now. I have to ask why I was put through all this if we knew it was going to happen anyway. Why let it start in the first place?

I've come to the conclusion that certain people were a lot more selfish then they're willing to let on. Wanting to try something new while keeping two people in precarious positions. I'm not trying to play victim. I have certain blame, too. But if someone in that type of situation lets things happen the way they did, they must know it can't end well and they must know they have the power to stop it. Thus the Why's.

So, that's where I'm at right now. A little angst. A little regret. A lot of confusion.

The Jobey Poll
Can I get some comments? Maybe some opinions? Maybe somebody tell me, "It's alright, Jobey, you'll find the right woman someday"?